Wednesday, October 6

My Crystal Balls! Top 4 Superman Picks!

A new Superman movie directed by Zack Snyder ("300", "Watchmen", "that owl movie") and executive produced by Christopher Nolan ("Dark Knight", "Inception", "the magic movie with Wolverine and Batman") is coming to theaters whenever in the future.
Now, I am no Superman fan (in fact, he is my most despised fictional character EVER created), but I think I have a keen sense on how Hollywood "thinks" these days when it comes to casting and making money. So, I'm gonna look into my nice, shiny, crystal balls to let you know who the potential top 4 picks for Superman will be. And I guarantee you, one of these 4 will be picked... because my balls are never wrong.

1. Mike "the Situation"
Mike "the Situation" of Jersey Shore fame is in the running to get the Superman role. Why him? Because we all know Zack Snyder loves ripped, 6-packed abs (as shown in 300 and Watchmen). So, in the near future, you will pay money to see this guido dress up in red and blue tights, trying to "smush" Lois Lane in the Daily Planet's break room.

2. Tom Welling
WB might just play it safe and just keep paying the same dude money to play Superman. For the past 10 seasons on Smallville, Tom Welling has been Clark Kent, so why not just upgrade him to Superman? I'm sure he'll take a small paycheck compared to a real movie actor (Welling's last movie credit was the remake of the Fog...yea that stupid movie with a fisherman DeRay Davis).

3. Will Smith
Now, if YOU REALLY WANNA do something different with this boring ass character, you;'ll cast Mr. Fourth of July himself to play Superman. He already has the experience, playing a drunk version of the Man of Steel (but at least he didn't get someone pregnant and flew out the planet to become a deadbeat father like what happened in Superman Returns). Cast Big Willy and you will have me interested.

4. Justin Bieber

This kid is still only a kid, but he will bring millions of screaming girls into the theaters, so Snyder and Nolan may consider the Bieber. All you would need to do is dye his hair and get the infamous Superman "gay curl" coming down his forehead. And blammo, you got a box office hit (but would most likely be panned universally by critics and comic book fans). But hey, making lots of money means everything, right?

So these are the 4 picks for the next Man of Steel... Hollywood, you're welcome. Bug Out!