Friday, October 29


OK, I am a self-proclaimed asshole (also universally proclaimed, not to brag), but this weeks F5 is dedicated to those unstoppable, killing machine, jackass uber-assholes who wanna fuck up people's nights. They are on another level of assholiness. Me, I'm just sarcastic or logical. Them, they just do the most fucked up and evil shit to random people who they just stumble upon (except in one case below). Movie after movie, they continue to prove their assholes, and each time, their assholoscence is raised.  Anyway, end rant, I bring to you the Top 5 Horror Movie Assholes or the "motherfucker, can you being a fucking asshole?!"

5. Jason Voorhees (from Friday the 13th series)

Honestly, Jason is my favorite slasher. I kinda didn't want to put him on this F5 because I do like him (whereas everyone else is a fucking asshole I dislike), but I didn't want to give credit and put that other fake-ass, Jason Voorhes wannabe on this list. So, boom, here goes Jason. He has killed Kevin Bacon. This guy has outboxed a boxer, uppercutting his head off. Slammed a sleeping bag with a chick inside, into the side of a tree. Got a theme song ("kiii kiii kiiii, maaa maaa maaa"). Fought Freddy (and won in my opinion). His signature hockey mask is a classic (fuck a William Shatner mask). And this guy has been to SPACE, fam! Like I said, he's my favorite, he's the coolest of the slasher guys, and he never got his ass whupped to "death" by Paul Rudd or Busta Rhymes.

Quick True Story: When I was a kid in Japan, there was a Jason Goes to Hell, haunted house-style feature and that shit scared the hella outta me... and sad to say, I tripped and fell while tryin to run away... it really does happen in those type of situations...

4. The Aliens (from the Alien series)
They're quick and deadly, have two sets of jaws, slimy, pretty sure they stink like shit, and have fucking acid for blood! How the hell am I suppose to kill him without getting harmed in the process? These assholes whole purpose in life is to either eat you or impregnate your chest (yea, they go raw). But that is their natural predisposition, so you can't truly blame them for being such a bunch of assholes. But still, they fucking suck. I repeat, acid blood!  If I'm ever in a situation of life-or-death consequences, I'm carrying a katana. I'm slicing up any zombies, monsters, vampires, Jason, etc that is after me. But that's gonna be pointless against them, because I repeat for the third time, ACID BLOOD. That's why just in case, I'm getting some space cash together so I can hire PreDog the Alien Bounty Hunter to protect my ass if they ever infest Earth. Assholes, the whole lot of them!

3. The Creeper (from the Jeepers Creepers series)
This guy is an uber-duber-douchebag-asshole. He is skilled with throwing monster stars (a monster variation of the popular ninja star weapon from the region of Japan) and has fucking wings! And don't try to hurt him, because then he will just try to eat it off or outta you. The ONLY thing that seems to stop him from being the ultimate asshole that he is, is that he hibernates like some fucking asshole black bear. Other than that, you just better hope he doesn't want to get you. PS: the guy who directed these two movies is a pedo... REMEMBER that if this comes out with another sequel (unless you're a fan of defending perverts *coughRKELLYcough*).

2. Jigsaw (from the Saw series)
Dude, you're dead. Stop being a miserable asshole and stop fucking with the living. This asshole, traps people into the most elaborate, deadly, asinine devices or locations to help them see the "way" and fight for it or some other nonsensical, stupid bullshit. Although he may not technically kill people, I think forcing people to do bullshit ass tests to survive is even more of an asshole move. I didn't see them all, but he forced a grieving father who lost HIS child, to do the tests to "help" him move on? In another one, he forces a detective to try to move on from doing his JOB as a detective? Who is this guy to judge people that are living their lives the way they want to? What's next Mr. Jigsaw? Drowning a guy because he breathes? How about starving a baby because he can't cook for himself? Or maybe you should dropkick a pregnant woman in her stomach, because she isn't married? Whatever guy, you're an asshole, shut the fuck up, you deserved that tumor.

1. Freddy Krueger (from the Nightmare on Elm Street series)
This asshole kills you in your dreams! That there is enough reason to call him the top asshole. Life is hard and dangerous. You don't need that shit while you're sleeping. I wanna go to sleep and have cool ass dreams... like me having threesomes with Beyonce and a Beyonce clone... or dream about having telekinesis or pyrokinesis... or just dream about some action movie shit... What I don't wanna dream about is this asshole trying to fingerblast me with his blades. Sure, he tells jokes, but I don't really care how clever or witty a potential attacker may be. I care about how easily I'm gonna fuck him up for trying to fuck me up. And I'm not really good at controlling my dreams, so he clearly is gonna kill me in relation to my hobby/persona. Also, in his regular life, he was molesting the kids on Elm Street. A NAMBLA membership also qualifies you into the worst, most upper echelon of assholity, where I wish nothing but bad things will happen to you, repeatedly (yes, if you molest kids, I fucking hate you too). In summary: I love to sleep and I don't like to have someone or something trying to kill me in my dreams and I hate child molesters. So, to you Freddy Krueger, I say fuck you for ruining countless nights of sleep when I was younger. You. Fucking. Asshole.

AIDs from someone dressed up as a vampire. Shit is not cool. Bug Out!