Friday, October 15

F5!!! The Top 5 Damsels in Distress!!!

In fiction, there are heroes and there are villains... and there are also female characters known as damsels in distress. So, this week's F5 is dedicated to those who help advance the plot and action. I bring you "the Top 5 Damsels in Distress" or the "Damn bitch, can't you stay outta trouble?!"

5. Princess Peach (from Super Mario Bros. game series)
The worlds most famous video game princess who you always have to end up saving (sorry Princess Zelda, no one cares about you), and I've been trying to save her since the 80s to no success. Seriously, I've never beaten a game of Mario... Anyway, because of her, plumber-extraordinare Mario Mario (and his brother, Luigi Mario) go out the way to save her, in the hopes of laying the pipe. And thank you sex could be the least she could do since the two guidos battles against ghosts, turtles, bullets, and other weird characters. So, go save the Princess... might be able to take a royal bite outta that peach, if you know what I mean (take a bite out her ass just in case if you don't know what I mean).

4. Mary Jane Watson (from Spider-Man comics)
 Now, of all the damsels in this weeks F5, Mary Jane Watson is really only a damsel in distress because she lowered her standards to be with a nerd (who masquerades as an arachnid-themed super-hero). So, it's really Spider-Man's own fault he always has to save her. And she is a super model, so it would be in his best interest to swing across town to do so (if not, ya may have another dead girl on your hands Petey). And her name is Mary-Jane! How red zebras is that? I'd do whatever I can to ensure her safety and to be called "tiger" (unless of course, if she is being portrayed by Kirsten "athlete's foot face" Dunst... then in that case, I say let whatever Goblin do whatever to her).

3. Sookie Stackhouse (from True Blood series)
 Oh, the word "butterface" has never rang so true. Miss "Suuuuuukie" *Bill Compton Voice* aka the MOST annoying character I've encountered in the past decade, is Bon Temps' most beloved resident in the supernatural community. There is always some trouble going on with vampires, werewolves, serial killers, etc, and is all takes place in like a month's span. You won't get any good rest after saving her yet again from whoever or whatever is coming for her and her blood. And the absolute worst part is, she's telepathic. She is already a delusional dumbass, now she has power to read your thoughts? No thanks, I think I'll just let those vamps run a train on her blood (and take Tara to while you're at it).

2. Lois Lane (from Superman comics)
I hate Superman. Hate hate hate him. So, I must hate Lois Lane by association. She's a reporter from the Daily Planet, so she is already super sneaky and nosey. She's always looking for a scoop, and her dedication to her job gets her involved with the dumbest and stupidest gallery of super-villains for a major hero EVER (a bad guy who uses toys as weapons and a magical dwarf....)! I'm sure even Superman wonders how the hell this bitch always getting tied up by a middle-aged bald business man or ends up falling off a building more than once. But you know what? I say let Superman go try to save Lois. Hopefully during the attempt, Superman and Lois can both die horrible deaths... Viva la Bathombre!!!  

1. Sidney Prescott (from the Scream movie series)
That's this weeks F5! Sorry for the excessive use of bitch throughout this article, but you know as well as I do that these bitches are bitches. Bug Out!

Technically, she's not a damsel in distress, but a scary movie heroine (even though her ass is always in distress). But forget the technicalities. For three movies, being associated to Sidney Prescott led to you either getting accused of murder, getting murdered, being accused of rape, and/or getting seriously injured by a masked serial killer (who should really only be targetting her anyway). And there is a fourth one coming soon. I wonder how many countless victims will be claimed due to this bitch and her hoe ass mother. Then Dewey's dimwitted ass has to go limping to go save her (which will result to him getting stabbed or shot again). So, police of Scream 4, don't answer her 911 call... I've been waiting since the fucking 90s to see her get gutted like a fish and its about time it happens... you owe me that! PS: R.I.P. Randy!